i'm better near to you

Just Like You Do (Blair/Serena, Blair/Chuck)

2009-11-04T06:08:00Z

Title: Just Like You Do.
Author: withoutyoursmil
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Blair/Serena, Blair/Chuck
Disclaimer: All respected copyrights belong to their rightful owners.
Summary: Sometimes Blair wishes she were brave.

I don't write, like, ever. So I've decided to change things, but I kind of don't like this, so, yeah.

“We’re not friends anymore.”

She’s not facing him, but he sees tearstains on her cheek anyway.

In. Out. In. Out. Blair’s forcing herself to breathe because it seems like now she’s forgotten how to.

“It’s okay,” her breath hitches. “I have you.”

Always. His arms tighten around her and he’s thankful words that don’t need to be said.

She appraises herself carefully, her reflection betraying nothing but outward perfection. Silk blouse flawlessly pressed, pencil skirt perfectly tailored, headband neatly in place; Blair Waldorf as she always is, immaculate on the outside, and brimming with hurt and insecurity internally. The only difference is this time she doesn’t have Serena to wipe her tears and hold her hand when things get just a bit too tough.

“I’m not friends with staff.” Famous last words, apparently. Grabbing her coat, she mentally prepares herself to face yet another day slumming it with the masses at NYU.

It’s an entire thirty-two days before the inevitable run-in. Blair, of course, is all quiet composure and still determination. She is her mother’s daughter afterall, and although they may have been besties for the last 18 years, she will not allow Serena Van Der Woodsen to be her downfall. Gossip Girl may have called her weak, but she is finally starting to realize her own strength.

Serena is a mess. Her normally glossy hair is dishevelled and thrown into a crass knot; her complexion is marred by dark circles under her eyes and she finds herself squirming under Blair’s gaze.

“Hi, B.”

The sudden urge to rush to her friend's side and just *hug* her is nearly irresistible. Still, a Waldorf is nothing if not self-controlled.

“Serena.”

Brushing past her feels a lot like giving up, but Blair forces herself to keep walking. One foot in front of the other just like you do. And if she finds herself wiping a few stray tears as she goes, well it’s spring and allergies are on the rise.

“We can’t go on like this.”

She’s trapped. Literally. Pinned against a wall. She’d tried as best she could, of course, to avoid this entire situation. First she ignored Serena’s ever persistent stare, and then excused herself to powder her nose whenever the blonde was in her line of sight. It’s come to this now.

High time, I suppose.

“Go on like what?”

“Pretending, B. You say you’ve changed? We’ve all changed. Look around. You go on like Chuck is this knight in shining armour, like you don’t remember last year, with Bart and Yale and *everything*, but I was there, Blair and I remember.”

Her arms are still at her sides, but instead Serena’s hands are now running easily up and down her shoulders. She’s missed her name on Serena’s tongue.

Her eyebrow is raised in a look of pure indignation. She thinks it suits her best. “Serena, I’m not sure what you’re getting at, so if there’s any end in sight to this ridiculous diatribe of yours, I suggest-“

And there it is. Soft lips are on hers and it’s unnerving. It’s finality and beginning and home.

“I have you. That’s all I need.”

She doesn't want to go home, so she’s pushing back, fighting against Serena and attempting to steady her own breathing. In. Out. In. Out.

“I can’t not know you.”
“… Being separated next year is just too scary to think about.”
“We’ll find a way. Together.”

The silence is deafening. A clichéd description, but it is what it is. Her face reveals nothing but when she looks at Serena she can’t help but notice her eyes brightening. It must be the lighting because Serena wouldn’t cry, not over this.

Blair is rattled and concerned and scared and a million other conflicting adjectives that fit perfectly in this particular moment. So, she leaves. Maybe they were right, maybe she is weak. When she looks back and sees Serena’s face in her hands and the shake in her shoulders, she wishes for bravery.

They fuck hard and fast and with no discernable end in sight. Her nails are pinching his back, but he kind of likes it. It’s a dramatic shift from the romantic “love making” (her term, not his) of days past, so he won’t question it. For the first time in months when their eyes meet he sees something, emotions like anger and sadness and lust. He can’t understand where they fit here, between them. But he’s smart enough to know that some things are better left unanswered. So no, he won’t question it.

i've become what i've always hated

2008-06-03T04:26:55Z

hiatus'd

so ... i'm a crappy lj friend? i think we can all somewhat agree on that, so for that reason i will be hiatus-ing my livejournal. truthfully, i really haven't had as much time to spend on lj as i used to and i'm kind of becoming somewhat disinterested (a feeling that comes and goes every few months), so. yeah.

i'd like to offer an apology to my new(er) friends, 'cause ... yeah, i think i'm pretty much just wasting space on your f-list.

basically, feel free to defriend me if you wish, no hard feelings! (but if you keep me, i'll pretty much love you for ever.) annnd i'll be back when i'm back? trust me, my presence will be felt.

♥ ♥

photo journaling? kind of.

2008-05-14T01:10:27Z

lately i have been spending much more than i'm making, and it's a problem.

[+] this morning i went thrift store shopping -- which is where i acquired that cute brown bag, the green belt, watch necklace, and turquoise bracelet -- then i got my nails filled. (eighty dollars later ...)

[+] last friday, i bought a bunch of lush products for mother's day which i've since confiscated for my own use. ... long story.

[+] yesterday i bought some clarin's magic cream because it was supposed to be AMAZING. (it isn't really, but whatever.)

it's a fucking addiction and it has to stop. any advice??

my magazine also came today, which pretty much just means that an outside source will soon be dictating my spending habits. ...

anyway, on a completely unrelated note ...

anyone heard of this new book called hiding in hip-hop? apparently it's the story of this guy's life as a semi-closted player in the hollywood hip hop scene. he pretty much outs a lot of celebs without actually naming names. i've read some excerpts and it's tres interesting!

excerpts as follows:

“Dean talks about people he knew who used to frequent a lesbian club in LA. ‘A few times, I spotted ‘Asia,’ a 1990s female R&B singer who had an amazing voice and a number of widely successful ballads during that time. She started as a background singer, but her powerful voice proved she needed to be up front as a solo artist. Her short body was topped with her huge, curly hair. Asia made a number of love songs, and her claim to fame was her rendition of a sexy remake of a song originally done by an ’80s icon.”

Lezzy #2 “Lisa”
“There was a beautiful television sitcom actress, ‘Daisy,’ and her actress best friend, ‘Lisa.’ These two women have been friends for a number of years and are always together. Daisy had done a number of successful sitcoms and got her start in a Broadway musical. Her multirange vocals were often showcased on one of the sitcoms she co-starred on. She often plays a fiery and fiesty character…However, I suspected that Lisa, a former singer and popular comedic actress, was at the club only as support for her.”

Obvious Lezzy’s
“There were also a host of WNBA players, but that was nothing out of the ordinary. It’s always been rumored that most of the women in the WNBA are lesbians.”

Lezzy #3
“‘I don’t give a fuck!’ a curvaceous woman yelled. ‘She better bring her ass over here!’ Everyone turned around to see who was making such a fuss. It was award-winning female rapper/ actress, ‘Sheena.’…This wouldn’t be the first or last time I’d see or hear about this female rapper/ actress attacking her partners…When she made an appearance on Keenen [Ivory Wayans’] show, I couldn’t imagine her being as violent as I had seen her that night because she was the nicest and sweetest person. She had a striking presence, but it was really her walk that made her appear as if she was pimping.”

Lezzy #4 “Lola”
“Lola was an R&B singer/ songwriter who had recently moved to Los Angeles from New York. She was a staple on the New York scene, partying with big name celebrities. Her skills caught the likes of super duper producers DeVante Swing of Jodeci, Stevie J, and Dallas Austin. She’d made a noteworthy album, and the critics were eating her up. Her style was a hard-edged rap with a little rock and R&B. Her new single topped the charts and was receiving a lot of airplay…

As much as Lola wanted to be a trailblazer and open doors for other gay artists, she was still part of a machine. Lola had to do what the label told her to do. She was still at their mercy and on their dollar. In videos and on album covers, her look was softened with dramatic makeup, luxurious hair, and seductive clothing. It was like night and day seeing her transformation.”

my guesses:
- the only ones i could figure out are queen latifah (DUH), #3 and missy elliot, #4.

again:

# Dean is at Keenen Ivory Wayans' birthday party. "There were two male celebrity actors standing a few feet in front of us. They didn't notice us because the club was dark. Both men are young and very attractive and have starred in some comedic and dramatic films. One of the actors, "Junior," is a tall, muscular, brown-skinned brother who got his start in television and is known for his comedic roles in films. He never married, but has a couple of children with a girlfriend. The other dark-skinned actor, "Fritz," has been in a few movies and has starred in a popular television drama."

The two are obviously a gay couple, which surprises Dean, although he says there has been much speculation about "Junior."

# Dean's friend Sandy is working on a film with some major stars in it. "The lead was "Lucas," who is a megastar. No matter what film project he was attached to it was bound to be a box office smash. In Hollywood, he is considered a golden boy and very bankable. However, there were already many rumors swirling about his sexuality, and even though he married, it was hard for him to shake those pesky gay rumors."

Every day, Sandy says, Lucas' friend "Kareem, a leading [married] sitcom actor," visits his trailer, where they go inside and—everyone believes—have sex. Dean also says that Lucas runs with a circle of high-level superstar down low types. He later meets Lucas again and finds him to be "smooth, charismatic, and charming," and his wife even brings goodies to the film crew.

# Dean's friend "Corey" is a singer-songwriter who was featured on the MTV series The Cut, opened shows for Jay-Z, appeared in a Broadway musical, and then signed with "Eli, a popular multiplatinum rapper, who had just started a label at the time (in the 90s)."

"Eli was a force to be reckoned with. He flew out the gate with his debut album and would become a mainstay in the ever-changing Hip Hop industry, where many rappers are one-hit wonders. He has been hailed as one of the greatest rappers to bless the mic."

It turns out that Corey has been giving oral sex to Eli (whom Dean describes as "fine as hell") in Eli's home studio. "Up until that moment I had never heard anything remotely close about the rapper being gay. Eli was a burgeoning superstar who parlayed his marketability into television and movie credits. He even had a promising clothing line. But every man's got needs and Eli's needed tending to."

my guesses:
- lucas is obviously will smith
- junior: jamie foxx, perhaps?
- corey: fabolous, or maybe jay-z as a trip up (his middle name is corey)
- eli: ll cool j

truthfully, i don't REALLY care who's fucking men, women, whatever, and i think it's a pretty shitty thing to purposely out people ... but some nancy-drew-detective-shit is always fun.

IN OTHER NEWS:

only chuck bass could successfully pull of plaid pants and bright red socks. and i can't wait for blair to kick georgina's ass (though she is like ... deliciously evil). no spoilerz, but you just know it's coming.

now i'm off to try and actually do something somewhat productive with my time. clean my room maybe?

yes, we can ...

2008-05-07T01:41:02Z

BLAIR FOR THE WIN!

+ gossip girl 1x16 thoughts

[+] first of all, taylor momsen does NOT look fourteen! are the coke rumours true? did you look like that at fourteen?? i hope this means that little j can revert back to a background character now. her running with the "in crowd" was getting way old, and 1x16 did not have nearly enough blair in it. also, no chuck bass is not okay with me.

[+] michelle tratchenberg is a bit awkward on gg, no? i'm not sure what it is, but there's something about her that doesn't totally mesh with the rest of the cast. ... at least not for me, anyway. georgina is thoroughly entertaining though! i love her crazy ass. she kinda seems schizophrenic though.

[+] moreover, i actually enjoyed eric's coming out, which i didn't think i would. i loved him talking to lily and telling her that he's okay, because he is. i totally gasped at her inital reaction, though. way harsh.

[+] and serena killed someone? did that make anyone else laugh a little bit? i looovved blair reassuring s and telling her she loved her. AW! besties!

finally ...

they are making out? y/y?

wish it was easy

2008-05-06T00:23:43Z

yeahyeah, i'm still the worst lj friend ever, i know. i'm so sorry, i have so much catching up to do, especially with my new lj buds. *waves*

+ why can't i find a job!? i hate job hunting!!
+ boyilike seriously needs to ask me out already. i'm not sure what's going on, but he needs to get his shit together.
+ it's doodz's birthday tonight (turns out she's only 19?) and i don't want to go because i'm tiirrreed
+ i am also stupidly emotional these days
+ the ross/rachel breakup episode is a-mazing. remember the early years when friends was SO good?

Monica: Should we do something?
Chandler: Yeah, never cheat on Rachel.

Ross: Yeah, I would have been devestated, but I would still want to be with you, because, well ... because it's you.

(they were totally on a break.)

imagine my surprise ...

2008-04-24T17:11:59Z

WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING TO FIND THIS:

all that snow? wasn't there yesterday!!

p.s. i think i'll start unlocking 90% of my posts because, really, there's pretty much nothing private in here.

annnd, i'll stop spamming now.

not sure what i'm looking for

2008-01-01T20:07:28Z

okay, i just did a small friends cut, which i pretty much never do, because there are some people on my f-list that i don't speak to, don't have much in common with, haven't updated since ... august, etc. etc.

yeah, just thought i'd offer some type of explanation.

'cause this is kind of important

2007-09-22T23:26:18Z

I just learned about a case of segregation-era oppression happening
today in Jena, Louisiana.  I signed onto ColorOfChange.org's campaign
for justice in Jena, and wanted to invite you to do the same. 
 
http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=2371-467515
 
Last fall in Jena, the day after two Black high school students sat
beneath the "white tree" on their campus, nooses were hung from the
tree. When the superintendent dismissed the nooses as a "prank," more
Black students sat under the tree in protest. The District Attorney
then came to the school accompanied by the town's police and demanded
that the students end their protest, telling them, "I can be your best
friend or your worst enemy... I can take away your lives with a stroke
of my pen."
 
A series of white-on-black incidents of violence followed, and the DA
did nothing. But when a white student was beaten up in a schoolyard
fight, the DA responded by charging six black students with attempted
murder and conspiracy to commit murder. 
 
It's a story that reads like one from the Jim Crow era, when judges,
lawyers and all-white juries used the justice system to keep blacks in
"their place." But it's happening today.  The families of these young
men are fighting back, but the story has gotten minimal press.
Together, we can make sure their story is told and that the Governor
of Louisiana intervenes and provides justice for the Jena 6. It starts
now. Please join me: 
 
http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=2371-467515
 
The noose-hanging incident and the DA's visit to the school set the
stage for everything that followed. Racial tension escalated over the
next couple of months, and on November 30, the main academic building of
Jena High School was burned down in an unsolved fire. Later the same
weekend, a black student was beaten up by white students at a party.
The next day, black students at a convenience store were threatened by a
young white man with a shotgun. They wrestled the gun from him and ran
away. While no charges were filed against the white man, the students 
were later arrested for the theft of the gun. 
 
That Monday at school, a white student, who had been a vocal supporter
of the students who hung the nooses, taunted the black student who was
beaten up at the off-campus party and allegedly called several black
students "nigger." After lunch, he was knocked down, punched and
kicked by black students. He was taken to the hospital, but was
released and was well enough to go to a social event that evening. 
 
Six Black Jena High students, Robert Bailey (17), Theo Shaw (17),
Carwin Jones (18), Bryant Purvis (17), Mychal Bell (16) and an
unidentified minor, were expelled from school, arrested and charged
with second-degree attempted murder.  The first trial ended in June,
and Mychal Bell, who has been in prison since December, was
convicted of aggravated battery and conspiracy to commit aggravated
battery (both felonies) by an all-white jury in a trial where his
public defender called no witnesses. During his trial, Mychal's
parents were ordered not to speak to the media and the court
prohibited protests from taking place near the courtroom or where the
judge could see them. 
 
The Jena Six are lucky to have parents and loved ones who are fighting
tooth and nail to free them. They have been threatened but they are
standing strong. We know that if the families have to go it alone,
their sons will be a long time coming home.  But if we act now, we can
make a difference. 
 
Join me in demanding that Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco get
involved to make sure that justice is served and that DA Reed Walters
drop the charges against all six young men.
 
http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=2371-467515
 
Thanks.

a small place

2007-03-07T18:42:51Z

so lj is really quite addicting.

i spent my entire skip day yesterday on lj checking out people's pages and cleaning (which, lemme tell you, is something i don't ever do). crazy the things procrastination will make you do!

alright, off to start my 10 hour work day. AWESOME!

withoutyoursmil @ 2007-03-06T11:17:00

2007-03-06T17:26:40Z

"i ain't got no mother-fucking friends!"

yes, that's tupac.

so you've clicked on this link for one of two reasons:

1. you've stumbled upon it and aren't really sure wtf this is, but for some reason you're reading it.

b) you want me to add you! (and that's cool. i love new people. really.)

comment below and more likely than not i'll add you without thinking twice. i do, however, enjoy precautionary measures which is why this post even exists at all.

kaythanks.

it's not that i need you around everyday

2006-11-29T09:14:22Z

hello livejournal!

after lurking on lj for like ever, i finally decided to create an account -- go me. to those of you i've added and have no idea who i am? yeah, i probably found you from the oc slash or the l word or something. :)

uhm, what is there to say really at 3:05am when you're dead tired and posting an entry simply for the hell of it? i'm guessing not too much.

as of late, work freaking sucks. my shifts keep getting cut, even though it christmas time and business should be booming. apparently no one wants to shop at reitmans? not that i blame them, of course. and i shouldn't complain, because i'd rather lounge on my lazy ass than actually work anyway, but still, it's the holidays and i have presents to buy; both for others and myself. and while we're on the topic of presents, i found my mom's present to me! ... well, not so much as found it, as she told me what she got me and i then stumbled *cough* hunted for it. i needed a proper cellphone, so she bought me a samsung a900, which i reallyreallyreally wanted. hurray for early gifts!

in other news:

i'm pretty excited for the o.c. on thursday, seeing as how i've clearly gone insane and jumped on the taylor and taylor/ryan bandwagon(s). i can't help it, there's chemistry! i see it!

and is it just me, or has seth's character improved? it's nice, and i'm actually enjoying sethummer again. hmm.

alright! goodnight (morning?), people!

ttyl!